If You Give a Mouse a Cookie: Why We Shouldn’t Negotiate with Children

We all have heard the story "If You Give A Mouse A Cookie," right? Where the little boy is negotiating with a mouse. I have to admit, it's an adorable story, and it serves as a humorous reminder of how easily negotiations can spiral out of control—especially when it comes to our little ones. "Okay, if you stop crying, I will give you an ice cream cone!" How about this one, "If you do that again, I'll..." The child does it again, and then we go, "Okay, this time I am serious. If you do that again..." Look, I get it. They are quick and easy fixes, but the idea is not to make empty threats to where now our words mean nothing or bribe our kids to do something we need them to do. Children are extremely clever, and they will quickly realize that if I cry long enough, Mom and Dad will give me that cookie or toy that I want but don't need. If kids learn that asking for a cookie can lead to a whole host of negotiations, they might think they can apply this tactic to every situation. Suddenly, you’re in a negotiation war over bedtime or chores! Rather than negotiating, give children a sense of control by offering limited choices. It's called the Two-Choice Rule: “Would you like to read a book or draw a picture?” This empowers them without opening the floodgates to endless demands. What about when they pick a third choice that is developmentally appropriate? Calmly repeat the two choices you gave them until they choose one. It will frustrate them because you aren't budging like you used to, but that's normal. If you keep this up, you will notice BLANK.

The Cookie Conundrum

Let’s break it down: the mouse starts with a simple request, but each “yes” leads to another request, and soon you’re trapped in an endless cycle of negotiations. This scenario mirrors what happens when we try to negotiate with children. It might begin with a harmless question—“Can I have another snack?”—but before you know it, you’re fielding requests for a cookie, a movie, and maybe even a pet snake! (haha) Like our cookie-loving mouse, children are naturally curious and will keep asking for more. Each time you say “yes,” they may push for something else. They are testing boundaries and exploring limits, which again is developmentally appropriate, but if we are negotiating, this can lead to frustration on both sides. We have to remember we are the adults, not them! (haha) When we negotiate frequently, it can blur the lines of authority. Children thrive on structure and knowing there are clear expectations. Too much negotiation can make them feel uncertain about who’s in charge—leading to more challenges down the road.

The Montessori Approach

Instead of negotiating, Montessori principles encourage us to guide children toward making their own choices within a structured environment. Here are a few strategies to keep things on track:

• Setting Clear Boundaries: Establishing clear rules helps children understand what’s acceptable and what’s not. Instead of negotiating about snack time, you might say, “It’s snack time now. You can choose between fruit or yogurt."

• Offer Choices: As I mentioned above, offering two choices, you might think, well, now I am giving them what they want, the choices that you're providing are choices that you want.

• Encourage Problem-Solving: Instead of entertaining negotiations, guide children in finding solutions. If they want to play longer but it’s time to clean up, ask, Ex: “How can we make this work?” This fosters independence and critical thinking. Giving too many choices can backfire, leading to frustration and meltdowns, so keep it simple and direct. Remember, these are just tips; each scenario will differ

  
  
  
  

  , but the two-choice rule doesn't change.

  
  

In Conclusion

So, while the tale of the mouse and his cookie may be sweet and endearing, it also serves as a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of negotiating with children. By providing structure and empowering choices, we can help our little ones thrive without getting caught in a cookie jar of endless requests. Next time a child asks for a cookie, remember: it’s all about setting the right boundaries. And trust me, you’ll be glad you did—because nobody wants to end up with a mouse-sized negotiation committee! 🐭🍪